I am rearranging my old blog and reading things from a past life I had forgotten. One specific recollection involving my father being hospitalized, was revealing.
When my father got renal failure due to his underlying cancer and refusal to go to a doctor- but instead put all his faith in alternative medicine ( that is a story I will write another day), I rushed to his side, only to be greeted by his side of the family in a very cold manner.
I found out later on they did not want to call me, in order to not "upset" him, because I kept "fighting" with him.
I was. I was trying to get him to a hospital. I was the one tipping off his brothers about the madness that my parents were going through, secluding themselves in their summerhouse, claiming his loss of 20 kgs was merely detoxification.
But I was not fighting for the sake of it, nor would I fight with him while he was already in the hospital, that made no sense. Unless I was dumped all the bad attributes in the world, a fact they had done in the past, and it hurt like hell.
Nevertheless, I rushed to my dad and upon seing my mom was not willing to stay on his bedside during he night and my uncle was there already 48 hours, I said I'll stay and he could go rest.
This was met by a reaction from both my father and my uncle. "I was bossing them around".
I knew I was authoritarian in my ways, but were they not stretching it a little too much?
Then I realized something.
They were fighting for him.
My uncle was rubbing my father's head, my aunt his hand and my mother his foot.
My father turned and looked at me with anger.
I was not seing for who I was.
For travelling 300 km in taxi from our place of vacation, spend the rest of my money, drag my 4 year old, agonizing to find someone to babysit her while I rushed to his side, to be met with " Please lose weight to find a good man, or you will be unhappy in your life"
(Yes, dad I know that you did not want me to study, and would have loved to make me a docile wife and sided with my husband when he cheated because I got too fat, but you nearly died, do you really think that was the time and place to say that? Apparently it was.)
I looked at my family and once again I realized, how I did not belong.
I was made the "bad guy" because someone had to have that role.
I was made to be "bossy" because I was perceived as a child. A woman, inferior.
I was ex ostracized and hated because I spoke my mind and dug my heels when I felt boundaries were not respected.
"I see you are in good hands here", I said softly.
" I' m going to go now".
My mother ran after me, and started talking hate for her in laws, and how they gave him to eat when he should be fasting.
I looked at her. For the past year I fought teeth and nails to get my father to see a specialist, a doctor and she stopped him every time, filled his head that goji berries and god knows what else could help him, because she had something to prove. She still hated my uncle for going to chemo and not trusting his health to her.
I knew she was sick, not well, doubled with determination, stubbornness. I knew I barely made it alive, and I knew hos short sighted she was. She was not here to support me, she is the one that started the rumors about me, years ago. She needed to complain, and be a victim, and dad was the ogre for years till I broke free and left her. Then I was it. The monster, the crazy, the insane.
I never told anyone about what she was doing to me, only my close friends, and they had a hard time believing it at first, till they saw, with their own eyes.
Who would believe a mother would do such things? A small, sweet talking, frail mother of 36 kgs that is so weak, so vulnerable...
If they only knew...
But I knew.
" They said he had too much potassium in his organism. You gave him clay water to drink, did you not?"
Her expression changed, her eyes closed and became snake like. Yup, there she is. My dear mommy.
"You know nothing. Mind your own business" she hissed as she tried to leave.
I grabbed her arm. "It is my business, mom. You are killing him"
My grip was gentle, but she screamed and raised her voice to be heard.
"You are hurting me what are you doing? Please let me!"
I immediately let her go, and looked at her.
He face had a look of satisfaction, disdain, and triumph.
"Now stop, you always cause trouble ! Your dad needs peace" she added. loud enough again. My uncle came to the door and gave me an angry look.
I sighed and just turned around so they could not see the tears streaming down my face.