Confession story time. I heard from time to time people tell me "I didn't get over my divorce", I see them throwing responsibilities at me that I don't "shield"myself and let things bother me or hurt me.
But some things need to be said. In fairness to me, and all the women that have been or are in the same situation as I am. I am someone who kept in touch with all my exes. I loved them once, we shared a history. I have this ability. To bypass the ending, to see the essence. I have been friends with both an ex and his new partner. And I like that.
There is a difference to get stuck in a separation and rethink what someone did to you some time ago, with being stuck in a toxic relationship for the sake of your kids. That is a paralyzing factor, it leaves you unable to react, and leaves you afraid of what will happen next. It does not allow you to relax, be the master of your own life and you constantly worry about the next fight, if said person has more power than he should, legally or otherwise.
For myself, I prefer to be sweet, talkative because it's not in my nature to fight, no matter if I not avoiding conflicts if the need arises. Separation is something that hurts you, you blame one another but in fact it is a temporary transition, and in a way the bad behavior is justified, because it is a period of pain, confusion etc etc ... This is not the case with me, though. I have been dealing with events for 5 years. Insults, humiliations, fights, reactions just for the sake to react. I feel like I have an enemy who falsely advocates he has moved on when in fact his actions are hostile, aggressive and hurtful. I have to be careful, to guess, to predict and ... I can't. I don't think like that I am not like him. It's very hard to put your mind to work in a devious, mean way, just to prevent a situation and be 2 steps ahead, protect yourself and your child. He manages with his behavior, to be a part of my life still, while I don't want him at all. He is here, all the time, this threat looming, taking over my attention and my time that should be spend on our child or myself. I feel imprisoned. Then when something happens, I don't react. And its always something new, something I didn't expect. I don't expect it, always to the detriment of the child, but mainly to my detriment, until the next blow. Because I'm not shielded, they tell me. Those friends who blame me, for this situation, and not the abuser. Shield myself how? We have a child together. Said child needs to be picked up from school, bathed, fed and cared for, how will I go to work to support her when he changes the dates he takes her, and there is no help from the government for women in my situation? I see myself reacting more and more intensely to small things lately and I understand that I have reached the end of my rope. If someone tells you often enough that you are a bad person, a loser, a failure, in the end, inside you, no matter how hard you fight, you will believe it. Especially if it's something you've been listening to for years. I am someone dynamic, authoritarian, a doer. I fight back. But I feel this situation is eating me from the inside. I tried to move twice far away to space the contacts, I managed to find remote work to rely on no one. but my soul is dying. Women create the image of themselves based on society, their position in it and mainly through their relationships . It is a fact. And I have none that gives me the support I need.
But they do tell me to "shield" myself.
Don;t they realize that if you are in battle stance, it is very hard to be tender and loving at the same time? I am a mother, i chose to be a mother, not fight my ex. But he keeps coming at me, with every concession I make, growing in power and confidence, feeling the "wins" and gnawing at me like an old bone he keeps for comfort every time his life is shit.
This is what abuse is like. I didn't realize it, because I was fighting back. But so are rape victims. So if people tell me I don't shield myself, are they not saying I have some choice and control and that I allow it? Do I allow it? What should I do? G to court? He will depict me as a whore, for dating someone younger, and I' m sure he will bring false witnesses. He is an officer, I am no one. a foreigner. And if I lose, it will be worse, he will take revenge for the months to come. How did I dare to go after him?
There is nothing worse than an idiot with a superiority complex. And I'm not saying this to demean him. Whether it is genetic or the substance abuse or just the way he was brought up, he has no grasp of what consequences are, he feels that because something he did was last week, it doesn't count this week. He punishes me for everything that goes wrong in his life and then he punishes his daughter for showing dissatisfaction. He has a relationship with a girl that showed me the same lack of respect, but my hopes is that he will calm down now. He has an image to maintain, of the good caring father so he will get off my back for a while, and I will be able to breathe. When someone sees him he looks so soft spoken, so tender, and vulnerable, the total contrast of me, who is loud, blunt and outspoken. But I saw the real him when we broke up, - a fact that blindsided me completely- and he didn't care anymore, what I thought of him. He told me a story that haunts me to this day.
At sixteen she had a 22-year-old tutor whom he desired. But he knew he had no hope.
So, the psycho that he was, he made her coffee, and jerked in it.
He told me, proud of himself of his achievement and that pleasured himself thinking about her drinking his juices, for a long time after that.
I was in shock. The depravity, the lack of boundaries, the usage of a person was mind-blowing. The fact he was the father of my child and how I never really known who he was, traumatized me and made me doubt about my ability to judge people.
I puked. He was 16 and he did not get any better growing up. I want to move on, not to have to deal with him, forget he ever touched me, or existed, not have that kind of memories, but here we are. He feeds from a relationship he wont let die. He uses our child when it suits him to come in my life, and take what he needs, and I feel helpless, in the clutch of a monster. I try to respect her relationship with him and keep everything a secret. Mom and dad are just fighting like adults do sometimes. But my soul is dying. There is no escape. How can I shield myself when we are bound by a child that acts as a pathway for him to come in and out as he pleases? He is a bad man. And I don't know how to protect myself from that.
( This was written in 2007)
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